methods of love....

*kiss on the ear--------------------"i'm horny"

*kiss on the cheek-----------------"we're
friends"

*kiss on the hand------------------"i adore you"

*kiss on the neck-------------------"we belong
together"

*kiss on the shoulder--------------"i want you"

*kiss on the lips---------------------"i love you"
or "i
want you"

*holding hands--------------------"we can learn
to love
each other"

*a wink---------------------------------"Let's get it
on"

*slap on the butt---------------------"thats mine"

*playing with the ear----------------"i can't
live without
you"

*holding on tight---------------------"don't let
go"

*looking into each other's eyes---"let's get
romantic"

*playing with hair on head---------------"tell
me you
love me"

*arms around the waist -----------"i love you
too
much to let go"

*laughing while kissing-------"i am
completley
comfortable w/you

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of
the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into
a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly.  For example:

1) "What are you thinking?" 
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.
I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a)  Baseball
b)  Football
c) How fat you are.
d)  How much prettier she is than you.
e) How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

(The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children,
who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking
instead of thinking.")

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2) "Do you love me?" 
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need
to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a)  I suppose so.
b)  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c)  That depends on what you mean by "love".
d) Does it matter?
e)  Who, me?

3) "Do I look fat?" 
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
"No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a) I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b) Compared to what?
c)  A little extra weight looks good on you.
d)  I've seen fatter.
e)  Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 

4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?" 
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring
at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a)  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b)  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c)  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d)  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e)  Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5) "What would you do if I died?"  
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would
cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the
stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play
with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."